A feeling is a spontaneous reaction to a situation, or a person, or a place. Feelings are not good or bad and they are not right or wrong. They can make us feel happy or very unhappy.
Sometimes we have to describe our feelings to others to get them to realize how they are treating us. In this case, it's not having the feeling that is important but how we choose to describe that feeling to the other person so they will listen to us and accept what we have to say.
Why Not Describe Our Feelings
Some people believe that describing their feelings to another opens them up to be vulnerable to that person. Perhaps that person will use the information against them. But by saying nothing, the behavior is reinforced and continues.
Others believe that describing how they are feeling can cause injury to a relationship. For example, a family member has a mannerism that is annoying to others. By not describing the true feelings caused by this mannerism and so allowing it to continue can injure the relationship.
Yet, others believe that if they describe their feelings they are not being "tactful". And, others will make them feel guilty about expressing honest feelings to another. We have been conditioned to believe that "the truth sometimes hurts". We learned to avoid telling the truth by not saying or telling little lies. Again, the issue is not having the feelings but the way we choose to talk about them.
How To Describe Our Feelings
To teach people how to treat us we must describe what we are feeling. Describing our feelings can improve positive communication with others. When we describe what we are feeling we are pinpointing the emotion we have at that moment. We are not passing judgment on the emotion. But when we describe our feelings, it does tell others how we want to be treated by explaining the effect their behavior is having on us. When we describe our feelings to another it gives us some control over how we expect to be treated by making them aware of the effects their actions have on us.
If we don't describe how another's actions or behavior makes us feel, then we give them the option of continuing to treat us the same way. The knowledge we give them about how we are feeling gives them the information they need to determine the appropriateness of that behavior and what they need to do, if they choose, to correct it.
To describe feelings:
- Put the emotional state into words. Be aware of exactly what you are feeling and how the offending behavior is making you feel.
- Describe the behavior with specific words that triggered the feeling.
- Do not use judgmental or evaluative phrases such as "you should".
- Take ownership of the feeling and begin by describing it to the offending person by saying, "I feel ... "
There is a level of risk to a relationship that varies for each situation when deciding to honestly describe how you are feeling to someone. But, if the relationships are healthy, more often than not the relationship will improve by describing how you are truly feeling.
Sheila Rosenberg - Sheila has had a professional career and been an adjunct professor that spans over 40 years. She loves writing for our readers.
Join the Conversation